Today was a beautiful day. We left camp late, at nearly 10am, and stopped just two hours later for a long lunch. Just an hour after that we broke for second lunch, naked sunbathing (sweat permeated every inch of clothing, and that was a great way to dry out), and blogging for me, napping for Felix.
Long breaks are a luxury. The only reason I can take them is because Felix is here. Somehow it is okay to let myself relax only if I am tricking myself into thinking I’m letting someone else rest.
After all of the R&R, Felix and I started talking about depression. I’ve actually thought a lot about my own struggle with it on this trail. I’ve been remembering the way that it seeped into me — pushing every other emotion out of its way.
I remember feeling both full of numbness and completely empty. I remember being incapable of relating to others, of only being able to focus inward, on the echoes that resounded inside myself. I wanted to be logical, but it wasn’t. I wanted to find a way out, but there wasn’t one.
I know so many people who have struggled with depression, some for months, others for their entire lives. It is rampant, and yet we don’t talk about it. We all know someone who suffers, and yet shame surrounds any discussion.
Talking today with Felix about it resurfaced the sick flatness, the endless two dimensional life I use to live. It brought it to life and it gave me hope. I have left my depression behind, and feel safe talking with others. Perhaps if we all are open with our personal struggles, they won’t be so shameful for others.
For none of us is alone. And none of us escape this world without some strife.
